


Gone Hunting

by crookedsmile



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alien Racism, Gen, Humor, If Garrus had pigtails Femshep would dip them in ink, snipe hunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 14:12:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5788228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedsmile/pseuds/crookedsmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Femshep gets stuck on a boring, backwater planet with her crew and decides to have a little fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Challenge

Shepard was bored. You would think the thrice-saviour of the galaxy would be too important to be dropped on some backwater planet to clean up a squad of low-class raiders that any rookie crew could have handled. You would also think that she would also be too important to be _left_ on said backwater planet for a couple of weeks to deal with their bosses, who would be arriving shortly to check on them. You would think wrong on both counts.

At least this one was pretty Earth-like, which was more than she could say for most of the backwater planets she'd been dropped on. It had been thoroughly terraformed with the intent of human colonization, with animals and everything, but in the end it turned out the planet was too prone to intermittent meteor strikes to be suitable for long-term human habitability. It was peaceful for now, though, as she sat on the roof of their safehouse. She had an ice-cold beer in her hand and the galaxy's second-best sniper by her side (although he often insisted otherwise). And for the first time in a long time, the birdsongs reminded her of home. She could hear all kinds of songbirds, jays, and even crows in the forest around their camp.

"They sound so strange," said Garrus. "It sure matches their looks, though. I've never seen a bird with fur before."

"They're called feathers, Garr. It helps them fly better, and they can puff them up when it's cold to keep warm."

"Huh. The birds fly fine on Palaven without it. I guess it never really gets that cold. Must be real cold on Earth if everything has fur. Or feathers, whatever. Even your trees have fur... or, feathers. I'm, uh, not really clear on the difference."

"Moss," she laughed.

"What's that one called?" he asked, pointing to a little blue-and-black shape that was screeching away on a nearby branch.

"A Steller's jay. It's like a blue jay, but not as famous. They're very intelligent, and greedy too. Don't feed them or they'll never leave you alone after that."

"So, uh, why were they brought here, exactly? Are you supposed eat them?"

"No, they're too hard to catch, and too small for it to be worth the bother. I'm not sure, maybe they're an inextricable part of the ecosystem or some crap like that. Or maybe they're just here to make it seem more like home."

"I bet I could catch one," Garrus mused, "They're pretty fast, but I can be faster."

Suddenly, Shepard had an idea.

"Maybe that one," she said, looking as though she was lost in thought, "but you'd never catch a snipe that way. Fastest bird in the world."

"A snipe?" he asked.

"They're these little long-beaked birds with brown and white stripes. They're famous for being hard to catch and only the greatest hunters can bag them. That's where the word 'sniper' comes from, though I don't think anyone's ever brought one down with a rifle, because they fly crooked. By the time you've aimed and fired, they've already changed direction. No, the only way to bring in a snipe is by trapping it."

"Have you ever caught one?"

"Of course." she smirked. Time to reel him in. "I am, after all, the greatest sniper in the galaxy. It only stands to reason I would also be the greatest snipe hunter."

"Well, I don't know about that. Don't tell me you've already forgotten our little shooting match up on the Presidium roof."

She shrugged. "I wasn't feeling well that day, is all. Plus I let you win."

"Sure, Shepard." He rolled his eyes, an odd habit picked up from too much time around humans. "Anyway, I'm not sure what snipe-hunting has to do with being a sniper, if nobody's ever brought one down with a rifle."

"It's the ultimate test of stealth, precision, and knowing thy enemy. All of which are _essential_ for a good sniper. You need to know wind direction, too."

"Really? How so?"

"Really. If you stand upwind it'll smell you and run away, after all. As for the stealth and precision, you need to walk very slowly through the woods with a pillowcase, scratching at the dirt and making snipe calls. Those are the only sounds you can make. No stepping on twigs or the snipe will notice you. They have bad night vision, luckily, so it's best to do it after sunset."

"Huh. And only the greatest hunters can do this?"

"Yep."

"I'll be back, Shepard, and when I am, you have to admit that _I'm_ the best sniper in the galaxy." He got to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Sounds like a deal," Shepard grinned.


	2. The Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus returns from the hunt.

After Garrus left, Shep was bored again. Luckily, so was everyone else. Ashley quickly rustled up a deck of cards and proposed a game of poker. Both Wrex and Liara quickly picked up the rules, although Wrex complained that the tiny bits of paper were far too small and kept slipping out of his fingers.

Wrex and Ash both laughed when she told them where Garrus had gone, but Liara was less impressed.

"Shepard, I can't help but notice you don't play these kinds of jokes on your human crew. Don't you think it's a little... disrespectful?"

"Oh, come on Liara. It's just a bit of fun. Humans do this stuff to each other all the time," Ashley said. "My dad sent me on a snipe hunt once. It's not like we're cracking racist jokes or anything. Shep's got nothing against aliens; it's just that these jokes won't _work_ on her human crew because we already _know_ them all."

"I suppose." Liara scrunched up her face anyway.

"By the way, what do you call a Vorcha with two brain cells?"

"Oh, by the Goddess," Liara covered her face with her hands, "I'm getting another beer. Does anyone want one?"

After a few hours of poker, Liara was up several thousand credits, an extra week of shore leave, the shirt off Ashley's back, and a subscription to Fornax (which she insisted, face bluer than usual, that Wrex keep). Shepard was beginning to suspect that she had played before. Garrus had been completely forgotten when he returned, his unmistakeable metal footsteps echoing down the entry hall and into the rec area.

"Back already, Garrus?" Shepard was having a hard time keeping a straight face. It didn't help that she was a few beers in by now, nor that Wrex was still (unsuccessfully) trying to convince Liara that he should be allowed to ante up his clothing if Ashley was.

"Yep, savior of the galaxy here, back from another successful mission," Garrus preened, holding up the pillowcase, which he had knotted shut.

"Wait, what?" said Shep.

"Shh, don't wake it," said Garrus.

Shepard could only gawp at Garrus as he gingerly lowered the pillowcase onto the table and untied the knot that held it shut. He opened the bag to reveal a small bird curled up in the fabric. Liara grinned. Wrex chortled. Ashley tilted her head in disbelief.

"How?" hissed Shepard.

"To be honest, Shepard, after the first hour or so of dragging around the pillowcase and making those snipe calls, I was starting to think you were making up the whole thing. One of those 'pull one over on the gullible alien' things you and Joker like so much. Then all of a sudden, this little guy comes out of the reeds and hops right inside the bag, just like you said. I think he fell asleep on the walk home. Cute little guy."

"This is impossible!"

"Maybe for you," said Garrus, his mandibles spreading wide into a grin, "but not for the greatest snipe hunter in Turian history. No, the greatest snipe hunter in the history of the galaxy. And by human law, that makes me the greatest sniper in the galaxy too. Not that I really needed to prove that a second time."

Shepard groaned. "No, this is not okay. If you can do it anyone can do it. I can do it. I _will_ do it. You are _not_ the greatest sniper in the galaxy, Garrus; I had an _inner ear infection_ that day, all right?" She bounded up the stairs to her sleeping quarters and disappeared.

"It's so cute," cooed Liara as she pet the sleeping bird. Poker game forgotten, she and Ashley had huddled around it on the table, taking turns petting the soft down. Its little body moved up and down, up and down as it breathed.

"I'm going out," called Shepard when she came back downstairs. "Don't wait up!" She hurried out the door, a pillowcase in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Garrus laughed.

"You really spend a whole evening scratching around in the dirt to catch that thing?" grunted Wrex with a nod towards the sleeping snipe.

Garrus plopped down into Shepard's old spot and popped open a dextro beer with his talon. "Nah. M-92 tranq darts and an enhanced scope with night vision attachment. There are a bunch of them down in the marsh where we made planetfall."

"Nice," said Wrex.


End file.
